Chapter 34- The Savaged Heart

Beat by beat
Love soothes the savaged heart,
Whose staccato rhythms chart
The wave rocked shore,
The tide turned door

Robert King/Journal

    The next morning we were at it again.
    “Why are you in such a hurry King? There's time.”
    “That's it.”
    “The difference between you and me. For me there isn't any time. It's unbearable when we’re apart. All I think of is you.”
    She sat up and tossed her tangled curls back from her eyes.
    “You must think I’m a complete idiot.” I said. The sensuality of her lush body spurred me on to another attempt at manipulation. “I don’t know how to take things moment to moment and let them develop naturally, Carolyn. I don’t know what naturally is. That’s you. That’s what you know. What I know is seize the day. Opportunity is as ruthless about leaving as it is about loving.”
    “You don’t have much faith do you?”
    “Actually, for the first time I do. In spite of my skepticism I have faith in how I feel about you. Anything else...no, I don’t have much faith. You’re my first attempt at love. I have no idea how to go about it but I know I want you enough to do anything I have to. So, I have to learn.”
    “It’s called growing up.” She said, patiently.
    “Right, growing up. Dominique has made my life quite simple. Jesus, we’ve been together since I was 17. Dominique's focus is business, not love. That’s Dominique. I never minded very much. She’s practical. She provides me with lot of surrogates but that’s not love. You’re love. You must be. I can’t live with you and I can’t live without you.”
    “King, that’s childish.”
    “My life has been a child’s game. I never needed to grow up. Dominique took care of everything. She encouraged my irresponsibility. I thought that was what an artist was, a perpetual Peter Pan. Well I’ve failed miserably at understanding real emotions. Thank God there’s plenty of material on the subject that I can plagiarize, otherwise PSYCHENETICS® would be in big trouble.”
    “Now, tell me darlink, how do I deal with loving you?” I said as I stroked my chin and looked down my nose at her.
    “Oh King. You haven’t failed at anything. You just take everything too seriously, that’s all. Love me one breath at a time. I’ll be happy with that.”
    I tried again.
    “Sometimes I think you’re my doom. That the whole reason this happened is so I can set myself up for a long fall that I’m not going to be able to recover from. That makes me afraid, Carolyn.”
    “That depends on you. King. One thing I do know is that you have to promise me that we will always remain friends. I mean ALWAYS, King!” Her eyes were intractable, the line of her lips, tight with determination.
    “Friends, that means a lot to you doesn’t it?”
    “I’m no different than you, King. You say love is all that’s important to you. I say love, solidly based in friendship is the only way it can work for me. If that’s not what you’re doing here I’ve got to go.”
    “Dominique never required that I be her friend. I’m the engine of her obsession.”
    “It’s time to get out and smell the flowers, King.”
    “When? Now?” I snuggled down under the comforter and billowed down the long tack of her body with my lips. My finger tips caressed her spine, kneading the tight ridges of her, smoothing the soreness of tired overburdened dreams. I breathed in the heady fragrance of her.
    “No,” she sighed, “not now.”

The Savaged Heart